Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
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We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
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This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.