Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible