shit, they caught us—run!!!
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Realize this:
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious