Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
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[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Nomnomnomnom
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
There is no “we” in pizza
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
smartest karate player in the world
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me