[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting