Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.