*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends