Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub