When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
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Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Tammy is short for Tamuel
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.