“our sushi is very fresh”
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Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
The smoothest fall of all time
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way