Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.