Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.