Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

Tell the colonel to bring it

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.