Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
You’re never alone. Theres mold
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
This makes total sense…
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.