Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

If I ignore life will it go away?

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.