Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
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[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
eggs benadryl
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
How do you like your Corgi?
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.