Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
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Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
🇺🇸🤭
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**