Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
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fly smarter, not harder
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie