Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
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I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.