Shoo shoo! 😂
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officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Best table by far
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.