Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

rapatouille

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!