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Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Monica just destroyed the internet
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
mentally somewhere in italy