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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
work smarter, not harder
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.