Shoo shoo! 馃槀
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I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn鈥檛 have any
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
We鈥檙e possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it鈥檚 just filled with hot dog water
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
ME: You鈥檙e making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You鈥檙e free now
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she鈥檚 had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She鈥檚 outsmarted us all. She鈥檚 a little velociraptor.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
it鈥檚 a van. how do they not know this
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.