Shoo shoo! 😂
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It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
thank god
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
become ungovernable
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…