Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*