Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Sooo many times…..

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department