Shoo shoo! đ
You Might Also Like
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Parentâs curfew with each child:
1st child: âbe home by 10!â
2nd child: âalright you can stay out until midnightâ
3rd child: âas long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly donât care what time youâre homeâIâm not mad ur mad
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said âall my friends know you as the girl I tease constantlyâ and I responded âoh shit thatâs crazy my friends donât know about you at allâ
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, Iâve stopped. Also, to be fair, theyâre not much more than waistbands now.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i donât care if you keep it but i want it collected
Protip: If youâre bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say âisn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?â
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said âsorry about thatâ and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? DidâŚthe robotâŚget fired??
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.