Shoo shoo! 😂
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Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold