Shoo shoo! 馃槀
You Might Also Like
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it鈥檚 the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Her: I can鈥檛 eat all that.
Me: … That鈥檚 a blueberry.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
PMS: Hey, I鈥檓 not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You鈥檙e on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I鈥檓 finally going to become a butterfly
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Saw your ex at the shops
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.