Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!