Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity