Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
You Might Also Like
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Noah was an idiot.
