Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

🙋‍♀️

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*