Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.