Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*