[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
You Might Also Like
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
This is my pinned tweet
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.