Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat