Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless