(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Botany good plants lately?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease