*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.