Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

💻🤡

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old