*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*![]()
You Might Also Like
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.