Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

I mean…but I did

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.