Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Every. Damn. Time.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.