shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
You Might Also Like
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around