Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

best first i’ve ever seen

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part