shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
i wish i could marry a nap
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
This is why I hate group projects
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.