Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.