Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

no one likes gloating

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

The Weeknd is back

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

lmaaaaaooooooooo

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.