Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

The most important meal of the day is the next one

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS