Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FNqgyB-UcAQ7OTg.mp4

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both