Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Girl, same.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out