Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
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A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
i want it utterly assaulted.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
