Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
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If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition