Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
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Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now