Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am