Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.