@capnwatsisname

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

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@UnFitz

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

@rhysjamesy

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

@sageboggs

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

@jlock17

I FEEL SO ALIVE MCDONALD’S IS GIVING AWAY FREE COFFEE I PASSED 20 MCDONALD’S TODAY DO THE MATH TOO LATE I DID THE MATH SLEEP IS FOR MORTALS

@Doug_Exeter

*my wife walks in on me struggling with an optical illusion* its not what it looks like

@Jandalize

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

@AristotlesNZ

Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.