SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
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[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?