Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.