shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*