Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

mumsnet is amazing

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.