Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.