Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

Just a reminder, folks:

what do you want

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today