Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

The French cow says MEUX…

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]