Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

Sponch

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Seems legit.