[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
58.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
🙅🏻
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.