Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.