[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
You Might Also Like
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*