Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
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Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I enjoy a good short stor
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”