Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

I’m literally crying

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

yo apparently, Micheal Jackson would go and record songs as soon as he got the idea so God wouldn’t pass the idea to Prince and I’m fucking cackling, yes this is the kind of vendetta I’m on lmaoo

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating