Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
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I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Our lord and savoury.
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.