Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.