[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
the world’s most popular steaming services
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.