[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them