[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes