[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!